I’m about to single-handedly shatter the hopes of engaged women everywhere. For this, I am truly sorry.
Your earth-shattering, spine-tingling, deeply satisfying wedding night is a myth concocted by Hollywood to sell movie tickets.
There, I said it!
While this may not be the case for everyone – some newlyweds will certainly have the sex-filled evening they have come to expect – the rest of us will need to take precautions or lower our expectations.
Too much will be drank, heels that make your feet feel like they’ve walked a marathon will be wore, in laws will be sweet talked, very little food (fuel) will be consumed, and exhaustion will set in – both mentally and physically.
By the time your new husband carries – or drags – you over the threshold of your honeymoon suite, the sight of the bed will only arouse your mind for the excitement of sleep.
Sex? Pfft, who wants sex when sleep could be had?
A hot bath followed by a sorry ass attempt at intercourse will likely ensue, but beware; your sex drive will probably want the night off.
I’m not trying to shatter anyone’s hopes and dreams or say that my own exhausting wedding experience is what’s in store for everyone – I’m merely trying to prepare you for the possibility that your favourite ROMCOM has set you up for failure.
In the midst of planning your wedding you may forget your period is due for a visit, you may over estimate your alcohol tolerance or be too busy mingling to refuel at dinner. You may have had a killer first dance to the detriment of your energy levels and spent so much time posing for photos that your jaw feels like it’s frozen in place. You may even have fallen victim to your Great Aunt’s long-winded stories that continue well after the reception has ended, and put you half to sleep.
The fact is weddings are overwhelming. They’re exciting, life-changing and romantic, but above all, they’re exhausting. There’s no shame in waiting until morning or the following night to consummate your marriage, in fact, if you’re not up to it on your wedding night, being patient is probably the best course of action.
You have your whole life to get dirty with your husband. You want to have happy memories of your wedding night – not nightmarish visions of throwing up or falling asleep halfway through.